Living For Dummies

http://kssdhllbckby.livejournal.com/

I needed a change and it kinda feels like a new page of my life, soo i moved. link above. see you there


*I'll start adding my friends when i get everything set up*

I haven't updated since the 17th I believe.

Not alot of important stuff has happened.

I've been sick since Christmas Eve. Still sick. Throat killing me. Antibiotics didn't clear up the sinus infection. My ears have been clogged forever. I'm getting used to it.

No longer homeschooled. I start online schooling Jan 22nd. I cannot wait. It'll be like public school but without the tons of students and germs.

Um. That's all I guess. Lame.

This was read at his funeral.

"My First Christmas in Heaven"

"I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular-please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you the joys their voices bring
For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am mot so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones you know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
I sent you each a special girt from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings of love he has for each of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remamber I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. "

In Loving Memory of Charles Andrew Ridenour
3/31/37-12/17/06

R.I.P Papa

All I want for Christmas is at LEAST some B's
At least some B's.
At LEAST some B's!




All I want for Christmas is at least B's
orareallyreallyreallygoodpushupbraaaaaa

Happy Holidays from the Itty Bitty Titty Comittee!

P.S
No I don't care that I'm putting my "boobs" on the internet. If you can get off on that I'm truely flattered.

And I can take a joke.

So, who's gonna lend me some boob?

I used to think about my future fans. And that gave me a reason to be straightedge and a vegetarian because I thought they would think I was cool (some of em anyway). Now that I've realized I have no musical talent and have stopped chasing that dream, I feel totally purposeless. I am totally purposeless. I have nothing to work for. Nothing to try for. 
So much in my life needs fixed. Habits, personality flaws, relationships with family. So much. 
But...why? So I can end up being stuck in Greenwood fucking South Carolina my whole life? 
I need to get up and make something of myself. Get and education, fix myself, and live my life.
But that question keeps coming up...
Why? What's the point? 
Right now, it seems like the most I'll ever be is a stay at home mom. IF I even get that. With self esteem as low as mine is right now, I doubt I'll even be that. 
And see, my goal could be to get out of Greenwood. But, thinking about that makes me cry. Literaly. Thinking about leaving my mom hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. I can't even explain it. It would hurt her so bad. I can't do that. I wan't to get away from here, but I can't. I can't leave her. 

I feel so trapped and confused and fucked up and useless.

 

At this rate, I'll never make it in the real world.

I want to study up, get going on what I REALLY need to know to get my GED, then I'll study what I need career/life wise further.

I really need to rant but I'm not gonna make myself look more like a selfish, childish, worthless bitch than I already do.

If we go to sleep we can wake up home again.

Am I out of blood then?

"1. One Goal. Whenever I’ve been in a slump, I’ve discovered that it’s often because I have too much going on in my life. I’m trying to do too much. And it saps my energy and motivation. It’s probably the most common mistake that people make: they try to take on too much, try to accomplish too many goals at once. You cannot maintain energy and focus (the two most important things in accomplishing a goal) if you are trying to do two or more goals at once. It’s not possible — I’ve tried it many times. You have to choose one goal, for now, and focus on it completely. I know, that’s hard. Still, I speak from experience. You can always do your other goals when you’ve accomplished your One Goal." - Zenhabits

My *first* One Goal: Get Caught Up In Algebra

Acording to Zenhabits, I was doing it wrong, and it makes sense. I was too worried about getting Algebra and Geometry and Science and Writing&Grammar caught up that I was overwhelmed and freaking and not getting any of it done. So, right now I'm just gonna work on Algebra, since Math is what I was weakest in last year. I'm gonna go from weakest subject to strongest subject, I think.

I'm gonna set a time to work, work at my house, and take my brother- in- law and sister up on their offers to help. When I'm online, I'm gonna refresh and perfect my multiplication skills (cuz my brain melted on my year offish) and look up things I need extra help on, as well as blog my progress and keep going with the 16 steps.


"2. Find inspiration. Inspiration, for me, comes from others who have achieved what I want to achieve, or who are currently doing it. I read other blogs, books, magazines. I Google my goal, and read success stories. Zen Habits is just one place for inspiration, not only from me but from many readers who have achieved amazing things. "

I just need people to not give up on me, even though I know I haven't given them many reasons to believe in me..

just ugh.
UGH
UGH!!!!

I'm PMSing again. I gotta go to the doctor. This shit is getting old.
People keep puking. Animals keep puking. I don't wanna puke.
I'm just, gonna fail school.
My mom keeps pouring our finacial shit on me. What can I do about it? 

I can't explain how fucking disgusted I am with myself.
I'm 16. I should be able to take care of myself some.

Fuck.

Oneshot

I really loved Gabe. We were just too young…that love faded, but since I saw him last…god I miss him. And the way he looked at me broke my heart; such long in his eyes. It's my fault though…I broke up with him… if I hadn't we might still be together, might be happy. Now, the only thing that we 'might be' is too late.
"Are you going tonight, Rory?" my roommate asked me, interrupting my thoughts.
"I dunno…" I answered, looking up from my journal as I closed it. "Should I?"
"I think you should." She told me.
I sighed and nodded. What's the worst that could happen? "I guess I'll go."
"He wants you to."
So I went.
My night went like this:
I went to the concert and all was fine. Then, Gabe sang this nice little ditty called "You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away". I nearly threw up. The lyrics were familiar. The told of our past, I'm so sure of it! When the concert ended I went backstage. Gabe avoided me for twenty minutes until I cornered him coming out of the restroom where he had changed clothes.
"Gabe? Can I talk to you? Please?" I asked, holding my arms between the doorframes so as to create a blockade.
"Uhh sure…" he said looking down at me "here?"
I shook my head "Is there someplace more…private?"
He nodded, "The back."
I moved out of his way and let him lead me out the back door of the venue. He leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette as I took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry."
He raised an eyebrow "For…?"
"Breaking up with you."
"Oh…" he shrugged.
"Is that song about us?" I questioned, watching him.
He shrugged "Partly."
I bit my lip, "Which part isn't?"
He sang "It's the end of broken heart. I went on without you."
Did he just say what I think he did?
He nodded as he watched me as if he read my thoughts.
"I never got over you, Rory. I never wanted you to leave in the first place!" He sighed deeply and took a long drag, closing his eyes. He didn't smoke when we were together.
"I'm…I'm sorry…" I managed to stutter, watching him in shock.
He shrugged, eyes still closed.
I bit my lip, "Do I get another chance?"
He looked at me, "Like you want another chance. You don't love me, you told me that."
"Yeah, I told you that, but you know you really never know what you have until it's gone."
He glanced at me and his eyes caught mine causing him to stare.
I stared back, I wanted him to know I was telling the truth.
"I love you, Gabriel Eduardo Saporta, there is no other man out there for me. And if you'll give me a second chance… I would gladly take it without hesitation."
He slowly nodded and as he did a tear slid down my face. I'm not exactly sure why…maybe it was because I had never truly felt so strongly before and the feeling was overwhelming me.
He reached over and wiped it away gently with his thumb just as it slipped down my cheek, leaving his thumb there afterwards as he gazed at me.
I bit my lip and returned his gaze as he slowly leaned in. I did the same and we met in the middle, and as we did so, I swear my heart stopped, however cliché it may seem.
And I still remember it all as if it were yesterday, and though I don't believe in fairy tales, he made me believe in happily ever afters.
I closed my journal and looked up to watch my best friend, my soul mate, my baby, start "The World Has It's Shine (But I Would Drop It On A Dime)". And as he did…he glanced at me. And I swear, however cliché it may seem, I fell for him again…somehow.


I dunno when I wrote it. It sucks though. Haha. I like the: "It's my fault though…I broke up with him… if I hadn't we might still be together, might be happy. Now, the only thing that we 'might be' is too late. " part though. I really miss writing.

I knew something was gonna happen today.

I had that feeling.

Plus the dream.



But, I've been waiting since mid October. So go figure.


I'm ok.


P.S

Never thought I'd say this, but algebra isn't that bad.
Don't think I like it though.

I'm hurtin, I'm hurtin.

I'm really ready to quit. Just drop out. Fuck it.

I thought homeschool was where your parent taught you....boy was I wrong.

I won't do it by myself. So fuck it.

Yeah I'm complaining, yeah I'm giving up, yeah I'm running away, yeah I'm being a bratty spoiled rotten bitch.

Fuck it.

At this point, that's all I'm thinking.

I wasn't meant to be smart or beautiful or sucessful. And I'm ok with that.

***EDIT***

PMS. I'm not dropping out, obviously.

Thanksgiving. Chrismas. Not looking forward to it.

This year will be two years. There are still songs she can't listen to.

Halloween is really the only holiday that has no emotional effect on my family.

I have a question.

Which New Years, mom? New Years 2020? 

Counting down to dissapointment. I've got all the faith in the world.